I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You know, be my cock's hype man.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize