So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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