We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
