I puked a lego.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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