I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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