Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
