and she was petting her beer can
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
