he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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