The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
