Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
