I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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