My hand turned me down
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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