He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
