grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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