I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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