There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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