the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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