he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize