i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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