he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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