He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
