HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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