I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
