Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
