No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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