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• (713): View more from Texas

  Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.

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• (239): View more from Florida

  When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.

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• (631): View more from New York

  4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.

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• (512): View more from Texas

  She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.

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• (509): View more from Washington

  There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.

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• (910): View more from North Carolina

  So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.

  (208): View more from Idaho

  I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.

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• (770): View more from Georgia

  Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

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• (727): View more from Florida

  You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition

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