I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
