I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize