Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
