i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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