You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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