If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
