guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
