I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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