Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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