everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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