yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I hate all girls vehemently.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
