Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize