she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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