Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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