Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
