Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
