woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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