i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
