Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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