cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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