so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
