I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
