I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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