she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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