you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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