i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
