How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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