Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
