Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
