According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
