I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
