I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
