SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
