How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
thus making me awesome and them whores
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
