Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
