I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
