I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
